


Human, Now

by drownedinblissfulconfusion (tundraeternal)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-22
Updated: 2013-07-22
Packaged: 2017-12-20 23:48:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/893343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tundraeternal/pseuds/drownedinblissfulconfusion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which things are mended.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	Human, Now

**Author's Note:**

> Companion piece to [Now Let Me Go](http://archiveofourown.org/works/893332), but each piece can stand alone.

Castiel kisses Dean.

He doesn’t think he meant to do it. It’s only that he’s been thinking about it for so long, and the sense of _needing_ is so much more immediate since his fall. And, with the human immediacy of emotion, of course, comes a loss of control. His body does things on its own now, obeying its own whims and biological callings. Hormones surge and ebb, synapses fire as they will; his conscious mind is no longer master. 

And so, when Dean crowds him in the kitchen late one night, arguing irritably about some error of domestic protocol that Cas has inadvertently committed, he can’t seem to help himself. Taking Dean’s face in his hands, he swoops in, pressing their mouths together for a brief, hot moment. He breaks off, still scowling. 

Dean stares, gaping, until Cas has dropped his hands. Then he turns on his heel and walks out. 

Cas rubs his temples. Freaking humans. 

\---

The next morning Cas is already in the library with his hands wrapped around a mug of coffee when Dean emerges. 

“Did you sleep well?” he enquires in Dean’s general direction.

Dean blinks at him twice, opens and shuts his mouth, and heads for the kitchen. 

Castiel returns to his coffee. 

\---

By the next evening, even Sam can tell things aren’t normal between them. 

“Dude, what’s up with you?” Sam whispers to Dean, as Cas, perusing the bookshelves, pretends he can’t hear. “It’s like you freeze up every time he comes in the room.”

“I don’t--I’m fine. Everything is fine. We’re all fine here.” Dean turns a page in his book and starts aggressively reading. Sam rolls his eyes and leaves him to it. 

Cas selects a book and sits down at the table, not quite directly across from Dean, who is surrounded by an aura of prickliness. They read in silence for thirty minutes, forty, an hour. Eventually Castiel notices that Dean is sending covert glances his way every few seconds. 

“Dean, are you ready to talk about this?” he sighs. 

“There is nothing to talk about, okay?” Dean’s voice is a mash between geniality and hostility. It’s slightly disturbing; Cas has never heard anyone trying to project an air of normalcy so angrily. 

“Obviously you think so! You haven’t spoken a word to me in days!”

“You _kissed_ me, Cas!” Finally, the dam has broken. He looks at Cas with accusation. “What am I supposed to do with that?”

“Because I wanted to! Because I have wanted to for a long time, and for once in our lives we’re not in the middle of a war, or an apocalypse, and I am _tired_ of waiting for you to be ready, because in case you hadn’t noticed, I am human now, just like you, and life is _short_ , Dean! You have no idea how short our lives are!” Cas is shouting now, palms pressing the table, leaning forward. He almost misses the days he could take Dean into a back alley and beat the shit out of him to relieve the tension. It was a good way to act on the passion he hadn’t even realized he felt. 

Dean shoves his chair back, wood scraping against the cement floor, and stands and walks out. Again. Cas clenches his fists and grinds his teeth in frustration. He should have restrained himself. He never should have let his emotions get the better of him. He’s known for so long what’s between them, and what they could make of it; and he knows Dean does too, deep inside, if he would only admit it to himself. But it appears that revelation can’t be forced upon him. No matter how frustrating Cas finds it.

There’s a faint sound in the doorway and Castiel turns his head to see. Dean is standing in the shadows of the hall, hesitant. When he catches Cas’s eye, he seems to steel his resolve, and comes back into the room. He sits down again, across the table, like they’re about to conduct a negotiation. Perhaps they are, Cas thinks. 

“Okay,” Dean begins, “just tell me, what did you mean when you said you were ‘waiting for me to be ready’?”

Their eyes meet and hold. Castiel pictures himself calming a frightened animal. “Dean, what do I mean to you?”

Dean’s eyes widen, but it seems he’s decided to go through with this conversation, for better or worse, and he doesn’t look away. “You’re family, Cas,” he says quietly. 

“Family doesn’t mean to you exactly what it means to other people, does it?” He already knows the answer. “It’s your word for love.” 

Dean swallows; nods. “Yeah. Ah, I guess so.” 

“I’m not a man, Dean.” He changes tack before he says what he feels and sends Dean running again.

“I--what?” 

“This vessel,” he catches himself, “my body. That it’s male--it’s an accident of genealogy. I’m sorry that makes this more difficult for you. I wish I could make you see how little it truly matters.” 

“No, yeah. I, uh--I mean--” 

“If my vessel had been female,” he hates that it comes to this, that he can’t reach into Dean’s mind to tell where his hesitation is. He can only hope it’s not something as arbitrary as gender. “If I were female now, Dean, physical markers aside, I would be exactly the same. Angels have no distinction between sexes.” He wants to stop forcing, has to stop forcing. He knows Dean needs to come to this on his own, and what if he pushes too hard and loses everything, but he can’t stop himself from saying the words. “If I were female, what would I mean to you?” 

“I don’t know. Jeez, Cas, do you think I haven’t thought about that?” He stops abruptly, as though he’s just realized what he’s admitted. 

Castiel can’t help the jump his heart gives. “Have you? Thought about it?” He wishes he could press his thumb to the crease between Dean’s eyebrows and smooth it out. 

“Look, it’s not the guy thing, okay?” Dean finally gets the words out, and Cas sighs with relief. “I don’t want you to be a chick. I can’t even imagine you as anyone else. I mean, sure, we can play ‘what if’ all day, whatever. If you were a chick, I probably would’ve come on to you the day we met, and you would’ve kicked my ass for me. But now, you and me, I mean it’s just--”

Cas takes Dean’s hand in both of his own; grips so tightly that Dean can’t pull away. “Dean. Please.” He doesn’t even know what he’s pleading for, but Dean nods his head slowly and Cas’s throat grows tight. 

“Cas,” Dean answers, low. “I can’t--I don’t know how we do this, man.”

“Dean. We do this just as we’ve done everything else that’s ever worked out right for us. We stay together, and we do things our own way. You showed me that I have a choice. Ever since then, I’ve chosen you. And when I’ve tried to act alone, it’s been--” he searches for the right word.

“A total disaster?” Dean supplies, mouth twisting wryly. 

Cas acknowledges the fact with a half-smile and a shrug. He loosens his grip enough to run his thumb across Dean’s knuckles. Dean doesn’t pull away. 

“I’ve told you that I’m sorry. I know that hasn’t been enough, and I promise I will do whatever I can to make it up to you.” His eyes hold Dean’s, willing his sincerity to shine visible. “I can’t keep doing this alone, Dean. I need you. I’m sorry that all I have to offer you now is a broken vessel, but it’s all I have left of myself. You know if I had all of the power in the world, I would use it for you. Please, let me try.”

Looking down, Dean turns his hand over to wrap his fingers around Castiel’s. “Cas, that’s all you ever had to say. I don’t need you for your magic powers. Human, angel, god, I don’t care, man. I just need you to stay.”

“I promise,” Cas says. He thinks this time he may be able to keep it. 

\---

Dean kisses Cas. Standing in the library, their throats thick with emotion and their eyes glittering with unshed tears, Dean places a palm to Cas’s cheek and leans in. 

“Is this alright?” he whispers to Cas’s mouth when he’s a scant inch away. 

“Dean. Please,” Cas breathes, voice ragged. 

He doesn’t need to ask twice. For the second time, their lips press together. Compared to the first kiss, this is a different species. What began gently doesn’t stay that way for long, as Dean shifts his hand from Cas’s cheek to the nape of his neck and gets his other hand curled firmly around Cas’s hip. Dean is an expert, and Cas finds himself a fast learner. Their mouths open in tandem, tongues meeting and circling, smooth on lips and teeth. Cas’s head spins and he finds that his hands fisted in Dean’s shirt are all that keep him anchored. To be touching Dean this way, it’s better than he could have dreamed. It’s worth everything. 

\---

Of all of it, Cas’s favorite thing is waking in Dean’s bed, _their_ bed. Eyes closed, he catalogues the sensations; the firm pressure of the mattress against his hip and shoulder, the weight of the sheet pulled over his legs, the warmth of Dean’s hand on his waist and breath on his ear, the smell of the coffee that Sam has brewing in the kitchen. These things to him are home; they mean he belongs here. 

He opens his eyes and focuses on the pale rectangle of sunlight that comes through the high, narrow windows. Each morning he intends to let Dean sleep, but each morning he can’t help but roll over and kiss Dean softly. Sometimes it’s his nose or his chin, sometimes his cheek rough with stubble, or sometimes the tips of his fingers where they rest on the pillow. But most often it’s his mouth, full and lush in sleep, irresistible, where Cas first brushes his lips. No matter which spot he chooses, though, the small contact always makes Dean stir and open his eyes, smiling as he kisses back and pulls Cas close.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [this song](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vfI0aCCHug)


End file.
